Chained Clarity
by The Last Ronin
Summary: In the aftermath of the battle with the shadow Emma discovers a secret about herself. A secret she wants desperately to share.


Short drabble of Emma's thoughts immediately after capturing the shadow. The look in her eyes after nearly seeing Hook die said it all I think. There's a Pokemon joke in there somewhere, what with a shadow monster being sucked into a small spherical object…just sayin.

Enjoy!

_**~The Last Ronin~**_

I didn't want the adrenaline to fade because I knew. I _knew_ the moment it did I would have time to think, to feel, to process what had just happened and I can't. I can't risk thinking about it because I shouldn't be thinking about it. I need to focus on Henry, on saving my son. My _son_. He's the only one I can think about right now, the only one who matters.

But none of that changes what happened. None of that changes how I feel and I hate myself for it. I'm a horrible mother to even be sparing one second, one thought for anything other than my kidnapped son…and I have spared more than that. I've spent nights thinking about it…about everything that has happened since we sailed through that portal back in Storybrooke what feels like months ago.

Things were so different back then…simpler if that's even possible. Back then it had been easy to ignore him – I had a whole town to hide in after all…and I think, even then I knew that's what I was really doing. It was easier, safer, than admitting that there was _something_ between us. What that something may be I'm still not sure but here, on this island, with him so close I'm starting to suspect what it might…but it's not the right time…

He's been there, all along…and I don't know when exactly but somewhere along the line I began to depend on that single fact: he stayed. He stayed when he had no guarantee of gaining anything from doing so…and I'm not stupid, I know why he stayed…I know what he hopes to gain. I should despise him for that but he hasn't done anything that I can despise him for…not really. He's just…been here, his unwavering presence and support exactly what I need right now…what I've needed to survive all this, and he _gets_ that.

Yet what he said earlier…I can't deny that his words left me seriously debating kissing him again. Just one more couldn't hurt…if only we hadn't been interrupted, though perhaps it was for the best. Of course, that had just left me to think about what he meant by…what he means by "the fun" starting once we get back home because if he means what I think he means then I'm…and he's right, I do have to choose.

My gaze shifts to him now, the adrenaline all but gone and I can do nothing but stare at him where he kneels on the ground, his own eyes seeking mine. He's gasping for breath, can barely breathe, and still his eyes are asking if _I'm_ ok. And I want to scream at him, "No I'm not ok! You nearly died!" He nearly died. The shadow had him pinned against a tree, trying to tear his soul from his body and he nearly died. Of course I'm not ok because I can't do that again…I can't watch someone I…I can't do it again. I won't…I won't. Had I been a second slower though…

Regina had tried to get me to channel my anger as fuel for my magic but anger's not the only way…though it is an admittedly powerful source. My mind drifts back to something Gold told me…I don't even remember how long ago. Magic is fueled by feelings. The stronger the feeling, the stronger the magic and what I'd done, small though it was, had been fueled by a mixture of feelings that had left me numb and nearly drained. Terror, panic, desperation and…I'm no sorceress but even I understand that there had been a massive amount of power behind lighting this single candle; power more potent than anything terror and panic and desperation combined could produce – more potent than anything anger could even hope to approach.

A shiver runs through me as I hold his eyes, trying to hide my trembling. I can't look away because he almost died and I just want to reach out and touch him, to make sure he's real and here and I didn't just imagine it all. But I can't because I can see him and hear him and if I try to do more than that it might turn out to be an illusion and I don't think I could handle that being true.

So I sit here trembling because he almost died without me ever getting to tell him…and I can't imagine a world anymore that he's not a part of…where he doesn't exist. And in spite of everything, that thought still scares me because he told me I'll have to choose eventually and he doesn't know…not yet...and I can't tell him now.

He told me I have to choose…he just doesn't know that I already have.


End file.
